I have always been a musician. Ever since I was in preschool, and probably younger, music has always been a fascination and love of mine. My kindergarten teachers sent home reports to my parents that read, "Megan loves music time." I still remember being interested in my twin aunts' cassette collection, especially a tape by the Beach Boys, which I got as a present later and I still have. When I was very young, I begged my parents for a piano. Eventually they bought one, and I was sent to lessons. I learned harmonies to all of my favorite songs, singing along loudly on road trips when I had headphones on, much to the chagrin of my siblings. I just couldn't help myself. The music had to come out.
I joined the band program in school with the other fifth graders, choosing percussion as my instrument(s) of choice. In middle school I started writing songs that expressed my feelings, picking up a guitar along the way. I played all throughout high school, although my little all-girls school didn't have a band program. I even majored in music in college, learning more about percussion than I ever knew. I'm still learning now, as I teach lessons to young kids as part of my career.
Ever since I learned the language of music, I haven't really stopped playing, until recently. The past few years I played drums in a band. This year, I haven't sat down with an instrument and thought intimately about music. I haven't wanted to. I think it has just been a mental hiatus, but something about it seems out of balance. I need a readjustment.
My sophomore year of high school, I also took a break from music. I was in a transition period then, too. If I look back honestly, music represented something negative to me then. I was nostalgic for something that I couldn't get, and I think that's what I am going through now. I miss the cognitive thinking combined with emotional interpretation. I met my boyfriend playing music, and we connected and became friends by playing in ensembles together for four years. I miss that.
Lately I've been feeling a yearning to try and pick up my acoustic guitar and write songs again. I go through this every once in a while. Then I think I want to pick up marimba mallets and learn a complex solo, or go back to the African gyil (a xylophone) and learn those songs over again, plus more. The thought of working again from square one is just so overwhelming. I'm listening to an audio recording of me playing at my college Senior Recital, and man, I have a long way to go to get back to that point. But I don't feel sorry for taking this hiatus, because I've changed a lot since I last sat in a practice room. I guess I just need to ease into finding myself as a musician again.
It's going to be a lot of work, but I am definitely going to be fighting for this love of mine. Who knows, maybe I'll write again and share some songs on this blog. Either way, everyone goes through times where they have lack of inspiration, or where they feel they need to hit the "reset button." Have you gone through something similar?